I’m sorry, but I need to do this: PACKING LIST SPRING BREAK 2013

I am sorry: not really because this is my blog and I can post whatever I damn well want to. I have to type this list up because I have a feeling I will forget something (like I always do) 

  • toothbrush
  • straighter
  • brush
  • makeup bag
  • shaving razor
  • hair products + other shit.
  • other bathroom essentials
  • passport
  • id
  • wallet
  • camera + charger
  • charger for phone (2)
  • strap on (again: sorry, I’m not sorry)
  • med’s
  • head phones
  • xanax for the fucking flight (Bad bad anxiety)
  • pair of underwear in the ‘on flight bag’ (who knows if I will survive a five hour long flight without pissing myself)
  • Laptop + charger
  • tripod in suitcase
  • Notebook(s) + smash book (on flight bag)
  • neck pillow (on flight)
  • School work (boo.)
  • will think of other shit to pack. 

Morbid thoughts of the day.

While on my way to Pahrump to spend time with my lovely french grandmother (who I call Bakum…She like’s chickens..don’t ask), a few morbid thoughts occurred to me. My mothers husband’s mom is dying from cancer. Why this thought popped into my mind – I do not know: I wondered what it is like to know that your body is giving up on you, that soon you wont be here. This thought somewhat frightens me. What is it like to know that you are spending your last days here on this earth (at least for this lifetime), breathing your last hundred breaths. Many say that death is peaceful, or at least the concept is peaceful – I don’t think I can agree. I would drive myself mad trying to figure out a way to calculate the exact time I was going to die (I erased “passed away”, because I feel no need to put this lightly) and make sure everyone in my family new my life story: my ‘legacy’ if you will. I would want to make sure that we all sat together to remember all of the great things that had happened in my life, speak of beautiful people we had all encountered together, and the funny memories we all shared. 

This is the first time I have truly encountered death in my life, so it is hard for me to really put things lightly. I remember my first pet dying, and the way it made me feel was beyond devastating. It may be the fact that this woman adopted a man I consider to be Satan, or maybe it is because I didn’t know her too well that her death hasn’t struck me as devastating. She was a very sweet lady: I still just can’t feel the complete impact of her upcoming death. It hasn’t hit me yet. 

One thing I know for sure when it comes time for me to leave this earth is this: I don’t want my loved one’s to see me suffer. I don’t want my children and grandchildren, my partner or parents (if these people are all alive) to have the last picture in their mind of me stick skinny, shaking in pain. I don’t want them to see me in pain. 

I have decided that I want to document my life story. I came up with this when I saw that my Bakum was starting to write her life story in little books for all of the grandchildren. Its such a beautiful thing to see my Bakum reminiscing in how she met my grandfather, their first date and the vows they said on their wedding day. Her childhood was a beautiful one, filled with pretty white sheep and cows on the hillside of Germany. Even the stories that involve the Holocaust are so moving and wonderful. She is most definitely my idol. This woman has a beautiful beautiful soul and mind. 

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Another random morbid thought that occurred to me was: How does one go about finding their cigarette of choice? In my mind they all seem the same, a white wrapped death stick you breath on. But this couldn’t be right. When you go to a gas station, you see row after row of fancy wrapped packages containing cigarette’s. There had to be some difference. 

 

YOU ALL SHOULD COMMENT AND TELL ME YOUR STORY ON FINDING YOUR CIGARETTE OF CHOICE! IT INTERESTS ME. 

The beyond frustrating reality of society.

I am beyond frustrated with society. In general. I am mainly frustrated with the assholes on the US-95 headed south at seven in the morning trying to cut me off and get ahead of me WHEN THERE IS CLEARLY A BRIGHT FUCKING YELLOW SIGN THAT SAYS ‘LANE ENDS MERGE LEFT’. Fuck you all. None of you asshole’s are more important than the person behind and in front of you. Fuck you all. I hope, that at some point, all of you dickwad‘s have to slam on your break, resulting in your coffee spilling all over your junk and the expensive interior of your flash fucking cars.

I am also frustrated with the administration at my school. I am beyond done with having to deal with this shit. I would love to tell our principle to go choke on a man’s reproductive organs – but I wont, because I am a lady. My grandmother taught me right. I am sick of having to deal with the extra obstacles thrown my way to get something approved ( I know it’s because on every paper I submit it says, in clear black ink ‘Gay-Straight Alliance‘). I am tired of having my clubs activities denied because of the bigotry instilled in Mr.Walkers mind. I don’t fucking care to hear how he is accepting of the, quote, “Gay’s”. I don’t care to see him scan me up and down judging me. I really don’t – and honestly I don’t fucking care what his opinion is of me. I really don’t. This man has clearly proven to me that he is the last minute, impulsive, cookie-cutter, homophobic asshat that I always knew he was. I am in no way, shape or form; attacking this man based on the fact that he is Mormon. My grandmother is Mormon, along with many of my closest friends. I do not judge people based on what faith they follow. I, as a human being do not have the ability to judge someone. It isn’t anyone’s given right to judge me, so I wont do it in return.

(I Kind of want to get a tattoo that looks like this..”Only _____ Will Judge Me.”) I don’t have an issue with Mr.Walker because of his choice of religion. I may not believe in the crazy long haired magical man who lives somewhere in space or something, But with that being said – I have no right to judge people because of their choice of faith. I have an issue with religion as a whole (for the most part), honestly. Many Families brought up in traditional religious backgrounds (Notice I say many – not ALL), have dated and generic ideas of what is Normal/Acceptable and what is Unnatural/Sinful/and Wrong. For a community that was created on the idea of acceptance of all ‘gods children’, that we are all going to be forgiven when it come’s to going to ‘heaven’ – they sure are a bunch of contradicting spiteful assholes. (Again most, not ALL.) It is not okay to walk around telling people they are going to hell based on the fact that when I go to sleep at night, I’m falling asleep next to a WOMAN that I happen to love and cherish deeply, a  WOMAN  I have been faithful to and intend to marry. It isn’t okay, and I don’t see how it would be acceptable in anyone’s mind (who has decent morals) to go around judging people. I have seen too many close friends have to deal with being thrown out on their own because of who they have fallen in love with. Us ‘Homosexuals‘ can’t chose who we happen to fall in love with. I honestly don’t believe anyone can chose that. I feel that it is chosen for us before we are even put on this earth (who it is chosen by – I do not know, I am still unsure of my faith). That is the root for all of my hatred for the religious communities. I wept happy joyous tears at the last pride parade I walked in. There along the sidelines of the crowd, stood a bunch of priests with signs with the following: “I am sorry our religion has shut our door to you, we welcome you. Please forgive us.” It was a truly beautiful moment in my life. I still have some faith when it comes to religion.

Sarah, a slightly hopeful mouse waiting for her meal to fall.

OOTD #1

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Top: Sublime shirt (Most likely bought from Hottopic). I grew up listening to Sublime, I’ve always had at least one sublime shirt – regardless of how stained and torn it is.

Cardigan: Plain cream cardigan from Target?

Shorts: Altered men’s Tommy Hilfiger pants (keep your eye’s peeled for the story) From the $1 thrift store I put together for GSA (LOOK FOR STORY)

Tight’s & Socks: Target polka dot tights, socks who knows and who cares?

Oxfords: Some local shop here in Vegas

The pup’s really wanted to be photographed i guess. Charlie Brown and Tucker are their names.

Seeking out a decent dream.

I would love love love it if my mind would shut off long enough for me to fall into a deep sleep. I crave for a decent dream so much it hurts. I miss the peaceful nights of slumber I had during the summertime. If only it was that easy. To close your eyes and be in a completely new world where you could destroy anything that tried to cross your path. I wish life was a dream, or somewhat like some of the dreams I have had. Pink clouds and skies filled with unique birds and hot air balloons. The grass was as soft as silk and the air warm but at the same time chilled. A perfect mixture of sensations.