Oddly enough, it feels too bright outside to be 1:37 in the afternoon. I haven’t adjusted to the clear skies and windy mornings that Vegas produces in March as easily as I have done so in the past seventeen years. As my 18th birthday approaches I feel myself growing more tired with the weight of being (somewhat) on my own in a world such as the one we see today, heavy on my shoulders. I remember as a child thinking that growing up would be an adventure, and it has – just not quite the one I imagined. I find myself wanting to put the breaks on, wanting to go back and experience a childhood I wasn’t able to have. I want to wake up from this bad dream called reality and be that six year old girl with pigtails laughing joyously with her friends again. I miss life being easy – not having to worry about money and how I will make things work once I’m on my own. I never had childhood as far as I can remember. I was taking care of myself and my sister at eight years old, worrying about if we would have enough money for food (thanks to my mother), stressing over my mothers failed marriage and being turned against my own father doesn’t lead to a happy childhood. It leads to a shitty one.
I want things to be easy: I NEED A BREAK. I need a break from this stress and worrying. I want to laugh again and smile and not have the thought of ‘Shit, how will I pay for this.’ or ‘How am I going to make it..’ screaming at me in the back of my mind.
I want a childhood I didn’t have. I want a family I will never have. I want so many things.
Sarah, the girl with the glasses and scars on her knees.